As Plato’s Allegory of the Cave illustrates, everything we know to be true is wrong.  Why would we pay for higher education if we believed otherwise? The purpose of any university is to sell you truth. It offers you an opportunity to have a crisis while you are young, while there are minor repercussions.  Ultimately, every University will fail, but there is still effort. Sometimes the personal crisis will stick, sometimes they won’t. You may change your major a few times, or you may take a trip to Peru and come back with an understanding of everything, then forget a month after you return home. These are small personal crises.

For the purpose of a simpler explanation, take the mid-life crisis for example. Any person that goes through this , what I believe to be a phenomenon, is viewed as “acting out.” They are on a quest for youth. Hence the motorcycles, divorce, trips to Vegas,  and the younger, attractive companions. The reason why many people experience this so late in life is because they did everything they were “supposed” to do in their youth. They graduated high school. Went to a college. Got the comfortable job.  Raised a family. This said person is living the “American Dream.”  Then one day this person woke up, and realized they were terribly unhappy. Why? This person went through life doing what they were expected to do, not what they desired. This is not wrong, per say, it is just genuine ignorance. This person didn’t know any better.

This is where Plato’s Allegory of the Cave comes into play.  (here’s a link of the story, for reference.) One person emerges to the surface of the ground, and that person realizes that everything they saw throughout their life, so far, was false.

I think, the University’s  overall intention is to prevent this  mid-life crisis from happening altogether. We (and by we, I mean students) are encouraged to make mistakes, fall apart, change majors, travel the world, and pursue happiness, in whatever form one may discover it. This is the time to do it.

 This is self-discovery in its rawest form. I spend every day doing or enjoying things that supposedly defines the “idea” of who I am. It can be anything from books, music, friends, jobs, cars, etc. This goes for anyone.

So here I sit, making myself.

I drink too much. I drink because I don’t want to deal with the way I feel, about anything. I drink way too much when I am around certain people. Strangely, I enjoy it. I have a lot of fun when I drink. I spend a lot of time with my friends. I spend little time alone. I wish things were different between myself and a couple of people. It is hard for me to talk about how I feel concerning these said people.  My heart has been broken for almost six months, and I can’t seem to find the place where the healing begins. My sexuality confuses me. I don’t make the best financial decisions. I can only focus on school when I drink a lot of coffee. I am really disliking my major right now. I generally do not care.

All of these things have been bothering me, as of late. I had lunch with a friend yesterday, and she expressed her concern for my life. I decided yesterday I was going to make changes, starting with drinking less. Then, after thinking, a LOT, and speaking with a different friend, I decided to ignore the feelings and happenings as of late between me and a certain person.

After deciding this was the best route to take for myself, and the other person-- I realized I am a fuckingwalking contradiction. I need to think and feel everything that is inside of me. I need to react naturally to how I think and feel. I need to fall apart. I need to hurt. I need to be free. I need to listen to all of the songs that make my chest hurt. I need to see you, with everyone else and let it affect me positively and negatively, if that is the case. I need to be a bitch sometimes. I need to blow people off. I need to feel ugly. I need to feel beautiful. I need strangers. I need to have the best fucking time of my life (which, currently, I am!)

This is my personal crisis. This is my road to truth and self-discovery. I will live in every messy-moment until I am fulfilled.